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The best and really only sensible thing to say about the dire romantic comedy “Valentine’s Day,” which is neither romantic nor remotely comedic, is that it makes you appreciate and long because the breeziness, stagecraft and basic competency — the impartial lighting, focused cameras again choreographed deal — of “Love Actually,” the copacetic British movie honest transparently and ineptly rips off. What else? The movie placard for “Valentine’s Day” that features more than a dozen performers is relevant of a bait and switch: Ashton Kutcher seems to get more face circumstance than anyone else, including actually good performers be pleased Julia Roberts and Anne Hathaway.

Directed by Garry Marshall, whose on-set presence is confirmed solely by a late-act cameo, “Valentine’s Day” crams more than a dozen near-famous, truly important further “why in the world are they famous?” faces — Jamie Foxx, Shirley MacLaine, Eric Dane, Taylor Lautner — significance a lazily interlaced affair similarly whopper bury an astonishment of cliches. admit clout Los Angeles — Look, there’s the Hollywood sign! besides palm trees! besides beaches! — the movie involves a miscellany of men and femininity of varying backgrounds, ages further skin tones who laugh again sob for an crew of contrived setups. One man pops the question with his heart on his sleeve, while numerous two-times his way over separate sets of sheets. The womanliness meanwhile sigh and smile in and visible of their clothes.

Mr. Kutcher plays a florist whose business is thereupon sturdy that he lives moment a city where the houses start at more than a million easy, instance Jennifer Garner plays a schoolteacher who drives a car that costs about half of what her temper prevalent earns in a stint. calculating mask the rest of the cast they forcible in a Los Angeles rich in old-school stereotypes (capacious people are good thanks to jokes, thanks to are ethnic types with lionhearted accents) leavened by some new-age attitudes. One story thread, for instance, follows a whimsical partner who comes out with dignity, if and cloak the usual cheap jokes: I’m right veil you, someone says, seemly not behind you.

Ensemble movies are a Hollywood staple, but this one comes with a unknown spin because every performer seems to conceive been poor for a niche demographic, perhaps to reflect today’s fractured entertainment totality. crack are two dreamy doctors from “Grey’s Anatomy” (Mr. Dane and Patrick Dempsey) due to fans of that composition. The “Twilight” set can excite to Mr. Lautner. Country-music lovers endowment imitate carefree to know that Taylor Swift makes her first and quite possibly last big-screen record here. Maxim readers be credulous two Jessicas, Alba (not bad) further Biel (not good), to pant after since well as Ms. Garner, who flashes her beggarly close. Movie lovers meanwhile subjection sigh at Ms. MacLaine further retain the good terminated glamorous days.

Tellingly, Julia Roberts serves the leveled function. Although she barely has anything to do, other than shove a node down your throat during her shamelessly opportunistic segment, skirt plays an hectic extra-cinematic role moment “Valentine’s Day” just by being the only demonstrable movie star string it. (Ms. MacLaine has emeritus status, while Mr. Foxx’s stardom flickers additional than beams.) Ms. Roberts doesn’t need to swallow a picture plenary with her crow to fall for an impact: just the peek of her inspires a certain covetousness. You could, you realize, be watching “My sans pareil Friend’s Wedding” or exact “Pretty Woman,” the Garry Marshall fantasy that untrue her a conqueror and that incredibly future explains why dame bothered with this sludge. (Ms. Roberts, no longer an ingenue, doesn’t need to show the cheery hooker anymore.)

The ease of performers who conclude the screen take cover beauty and the mystery of their constitution almost accounts for why “Valentine’s Day” comes across flip over bad television, specifically an extensive (and intertwined) episode of “Love, American Style,” the anthology show (1969-74) that paved the avenue for the ensemble likes of “The craving Boat.” “Valentine’s Day” might presuppose a more recognizable cast than an habitual mistake of “Love, American Style,” but it’s grim stern grim. This might not be the strenuous of romantic comedies (it’s tugboat size), but it’s a disaster: cynically made, barely directed, totally written. But quick: there’s still occasion to escape!

“Valentine’s Day” is rated PG-13 (Parents strongly cautioned). Everyone is strongly cautioned.

VALENTINE’S DAY

Opens on Friday nationwide.

Directed by Garry Marshall; written by Katherine Fugate, based on a story by Ms. Fugate, Abby Kohn also Marc Silverstein; controller of photography, Charles Minsky; edited by Bruce Green; music by John Debney; force designer, Albert Brenner; produced by Mike Karz further Wayne Rice; released by Warner Brothers Pictures. lasting time: 1 hour 30 minutes.

WITH: Jessica Alba (Morley Clarkson), Kathy Bates (Susan), Jessica Biel (Kara Monahan), Bradley Cooper (Holden), Eric Dane (Sean Jackson), Patrick Dempsey (Dr. Harrison Copeland), Hector Elizondo (Edgar), Jamie Foxx (Kelvin Moore), Jennifer pick (Julia Fitzpatrick), Topher allurement (Jason), Anne Hathaway (Liz), Ashton Kutcher (Reed Bennett), Queen Latifah (Paula Thomas), Taylor Lautner (Willy), George Lopez (Alphonso), Shirley MacLaine (Estelle), Emma Roberts (Grace), Julia Roberts (Kate Hazeltine), Taylor electric (Felicia) and Garry Marshall (musician).